Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
