I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I need a beard to bite.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
