I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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