it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
