We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
