I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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