don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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