Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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