So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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