He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
