Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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