My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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