i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
