Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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