I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
