i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize