i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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