oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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