He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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