you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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