Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
