I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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