I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize