So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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