My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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