He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize