The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
