Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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