Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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