Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
you inspire me to be a worse person
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize