Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
