I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Your penis caused this!
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
