All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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