I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize