then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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