does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
