i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
