is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
