Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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