My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I skipped work to stalk him.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize