I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
