i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
