i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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