so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
