My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
