Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
