She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I love you. Go after that dick
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
