come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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