I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
