I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
