Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
