on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
