he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
