If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
