well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
